


How To Save A Life

by Destiel_Sabriel4eva



Series: Harry Potter One-Shots [14]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety Attacks, BAMF Lily Evans Potter, Bullying, Flashbacks, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders' Era, Memory Loss, Not Happy, Panic Attacks, Potions, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recreational Drug Use, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, She's Pretty Scary, Suicide Attempt, They're about sixteen here, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Werewolf Bites, but it all gets resolved, ish, well okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 04:07:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14488446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiel_Sabriel4eva/pseuds/Destiel_Sabriel4eva
Summary: 'Try this new potion' he says, 'It'll be fun' he says.Sirius and James take a potion meant to lower inhibitions.  It does not work as advertised.Based on Remus' line in PoA about Lily being there for him at a time when nobody else was.





	How To Save A Life

**Author's Note:**

> IN CASE ANYONE MISSED THE TAGS OR ARCHIVE WARNINGS, GO AND READ THEM NOW!

**How to Save A Life**

_“Your mother was there for me in a time when no one else was.”_

 

 

“REEEEEMMMUUUUSSSSSS!” Remus blinks his eyes open to see Sirius leaning over his bed.

“Pa’foot?” Sirius giggles, Remus sighs “Have you been drinking?”

“Come play with me!”

“It’s the middle of the night Sirius,” Remus complains, grabbing his wand and checking the time, “Sonofabitch, it’s three am Padfoot, go the fuck to sleep!”

“Noooooo, c’mon Mooonnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-”

“I swear to God Sirius…”

“Please?”

“No!”  Sirius grins at him mischievously, eyes slightly glazed over from the intoxication. Then he bolts out the door, “*sighs* I’m going after him, aren’t I?”

“I hope so, because I’m not,” Peter mumbles tiredly from across the room, Remus sighs again and gets up, going to find his drunken friend.

 

“ _Sirius_!” Remus whisper yells, torn between not wanting to get caught out of bed and wanting to find Sirius as soon as possible.

“MOOONNYYY, knew you couldn’t resist my charms!”

“Sirius!  Where are you?” Remus asks as he spins around and sees no one.  He’s beginning to hope this is a dream, but if it is, it’s a very bizarre one.  Then again, he once had a dream about a dragon den appearing in his old Muggle primary school assembly hall, so it’s not even close to the weirdest.

“Boo.” Remus spins again and finds Sirius right in his personal space.

“Jesus Fuck Sirius!  Don’t do that you prat!”  Sirius giggles again, Remus huffs, “Come on, let’s go back, before we get caught.”

“But I like it out here.  It’s quiet, no one’s around.  Just you, and me,” Sirius tells him, waggling his eyebrows.

“…what are you talking about?”  Sirius steps closer still.

“Your eyes are absolutely enchanting.”  Remus swallows harshly, clearing his throat and taking a step back.

“Let’s just head back to the common room, okay?  You can sleep this off and-” Suddenly there are lips on his, “Padfoot what the fuck are you doing?!” Remus demands, voice shrill as he grabs Sirius’ shoulders and pushes him back.

“What, don’t you like me Moony?”

“Not like that, and you don’t like me like that either.  You’re drunk, Sirius.  That’s all this is.”

“M’not drunk.”

“Oh yes you are.  Now come _on_ ,” Remus orders, using his grip on Sirius to drag him along.  Sirius tears himself from his grip, grabbing Remus by the front of his shirt and pushing him into a wall.  Suddenly there are lips on his mouth again, quite insistently snogging him, “Pads, sto-” Remus tries to protest, but Sirius only uses the opportunity to stick his tongue in Remus’ mouth.  He presses up against Remus, every inch of their bodies touching.  Remus feels his blood run cold at the hardness he can feel at his hip.

“Want you Moony,” Sirius tells him, moving to mouthing and sucking at Remus’ neck.

“Get off me Sirius, get _off_!”  Remus tries to throw Sirius off, but being a Werewolf is draining on the body and he knows he’s just not strong enough.  Sirius starts rutting against his hip and Remus feels tears filling his eyes, “Please Padfoot, let me go.”

“But I want you Moony,” Sirius whines, “You’re so hot,” He says, teeth scraping at Remus’ neck.  Remus feels his whole body go rigid with fear.

“P-P-Please don’t bite me,” Remus begs, hating how much his voice quivers.  Sirius doesn’t listen.  He sinks his teeth into Remus’ collarbone, thrusting harder against him.

_Remus wakes up, fear filling him as he hears a soft growling.  He whimpers, looking around.  The growling is coming from the window._

_“D-D-Daddy?” Remus calls quietly, afraid to alert the growling to his fear but needing his Daddy to come and save him.  Suddenly the window smashes, Remus screams as the wolf jumps in.  Then it’s on top of him and he feels the teeth sink into his side.  He screams again, wailing and crying because it hurts, and it burns._

_“Get away from my son!”_

_His Daddy fights off the wolf, just as Remus had known he would.  But the pain won’t end, and it’s like the teeth are still inside him.  He feels fire flooding through his veins.  He sobs and cries and screams but it won’t stop._

_It never stops._

Remus opens his eyes, looking around and finding himself alone in a school hallway. He doesn’t remember what happens until he turns his head to the side and feels the pull of the bite.  He feels himself beginning to hyperventilate again and forces himself to calm.

Remus uses the wall as leverage and pulls himself upright, grimacing at the wetness around the hip of his pyjamas, dripping down the leg of the material.  Remus can’t help but whimper as he realises Sirius hadn’t stopped.  Not as Remus blacked out in his panic attack, not as he’d passed out, and then he’d just left him.

For a few moments, he entertains the thought of not going back to the common room, of not facing Sirius, of never having to.  He’s a werewolf, he could just run into the forbidden forest and live out his days there.  Far less stressful on all accounts.  No need for a job, no one to be a burden to, and no humans to hurt.  Then he sighs and begins his journey back to Gryffindor tower.

He hurries through the common room, glad his pyjamas are white and so hides the mess from the glances he gets.

“Moons!  Where have you been?” James asks as soon as Remus opens the dormitory door.  Remus doesn’t respond as he rushes to grab his wand, casting a quick cleaning spell before turning around, wand held tightly in his hand.

“What?”

“Wormy said you had to run after Padfoot last night, but he was here when we woke up and you weren’t,” James explains.

“We asked him where you were but, unsurprisingly, the dolt remembers nothing after making out with James in truth or dare which we all know isn’t going to have been long after they started drinking,” Peter adds.

“H-He doesn’t remember what happened?” Remus asks, James looks at him in concern.  Not getting the quick answer he wanted, Remus grabs his friend by the front of his shirt and shakes slightly, “James, he doesn’t remember?!”

“No!  No, like Wormtail said, he completely blacked out because of the potion, just like I did, why?  What happened?” Remus freezes slightly.

“Potion?”

“Yeah, some thing a couple of Ravenclaws cooked up.  Lowers inhibitions just completely, it was bloody fantastic if the mess I woke up in is any indication.”

“No, I’m pretty sure what it does is lower brain cells ‘just completely’.  God this is such a fucking mess,” Remus says, mumbling the last bit quietly and looking quite pained.

“Remus, _what happened_?” Remus looks up at James, how could he admit what happened?  Would James believe him?  Would he laugh it off?  What if he didn’t, would Sirius be in trouble for something he clearly wasn’t in control of?  No, Remus can’t do that to him.  He steps back, clearing his throat and smoothing down the front of James’ shirt.

“Nothing.”

 

 

“Um, Remus?  Are you okay?”  Remus looks up to find Lily watching him warily.

“Yes, I’m fine.  Why?”  Lily walks over and sits beside him at the window in the back of the library.

“Well, you freaked out when Black touched your shoulder, stalked out of Transfiguration, have now skipped three lessons, and have apparently been hiding out in the library the whole time.”  Remus looks away from her and back out the window, “That and you’re bleeding.”

“What?” Remus looks over in mild alarm.  She grabs his hand, holding up his bloodied fingers.

“You were scratching at your neck.”  He closes his eyes against the sudden torrent of emotion, “Let me see, I’ll heal it.”  He shakes his head rapidly, wincing at the pull on the wound.

“N-No don’t, don’t.” Lily sits back, making her hands clearly visible.

“You don’t have to explain what happened if you don’t want to, but if that isn’t healed it might get infected and I can’t imagine you’re about to go to Madam Pomfrey for that.”  Remus bites his lip nervously, then nods, pulling the collar of his shirt out of the way.  Lily gasps as she sees the obvious bite mark.

“Oh Remus.”  He flinches slightly, but thankfully, she doesn’t ask.  She heals the wound, mostly, but it’s scarred a little and she can’t understand why.  She doesn’t know that because he opened the wound with his own fingers again, it became a wound made by a werewolf and those always scar. 

When she puts her wand away, he realises he’s crying and he hates it.  He hasn’t cried since he was four years old, not until last night, and now it’s like he can’t stop.  Lily moves forward, holding him as he cries.

“Do you want to talk about it?”  And he doesn’t, not really, but he speaks anyway before he can stop himself.  He tells this girl, barely even a friend really, everything about the night before.  He doesn’t explain why the bite set off a panic attack, only that it’s a trigger for him and Sirius knows it.  She’s kind enough to not ask why.  By the end she’s furious on his behalf, wanting to go to a teacher immediately but he begs her not to.

“Please, Lily, it wasn’t his fault, not really.  It was just the stupid potion.”  She worries at her lip, jiggling her leg as she stands and thinks.

“Fine.  I won’t say anything.”

“Thank you,” he tells her, sobbing slightly, “Thank you.”  She holds him again. And they sit quietly for quite sometime until he feels ready to properly attend class again.

 

 

Over the next two weeks life appears to go back to normal.  After his break down with Lily, Remus had been able to calm himself again and felt like he could forget the entire thing happened.

Then the curtains on his bed open late one night and Sirius climbs in.

“Padfoot?  What’s going on?” He asks, putting away the book he’d gotten into too much to go to sleep without finishing.  He swore he was only going to finish the chapter, but then Luke had been caught spying behind the screen and then he was a mouse and so was Bruno and it all got terribly exciting.  Even if he _has_ read the book a good fifty times by this point.

“Nothing, I just _missed_ you,” Sirius explains, leaning forward to hug Remus.  Their position sitting on the bed made it horribly awkward, made worse when Remus got a whiff of alcohol.

“Have you been drinking again?” Sirius pulled back, a distant gleam in his eye as he giggles and nods, “Sirius, go to bed,” Remus requests, beginning to panic before he reminds himself that it was the potion that had done it last time, not the alcohol.

“But I don’t want to.”  He raises his wand, muttering a spell that Remus doesn’t quite hear before he surges forward and kisses Remus who jerks back so suddenly he bangs his head on the wall behind him.

“Ow, fuck!”

“Awh, poor little Moonbeam, do you want me to kiss it better?” Sirius asks, giggling again.  Remus tries to dodge him as he leans forward again but finds he can’t open his curtains.

“Sirius, what did you do?”

“I just wanted to give us a bit more privacy.”

“I-I don’t want privacy.”

“Ooooh, exhibitionist huh?  Should’ve seen that coming.  It’s always the quiet ones.”  Remus feels tears in his eyes as he starts feeling truly afraid.

“Pads I don’t-I don’t even like blokes,” Remus tells him quietly, “Please, don-don’t do anything.  I-I’ll tell you when you’re sober and you’ll re-regret it,” He warns, trying not to sob in fright.  The full was only two days ago, he knows he’s even weaker now than he was last time and that thought brings forth another surge of fear, especially seeing the way Sirius is leering at him.  Then he suddenly grabs Remus’ hips, pulling him back and twisting hard until Remus has been forced into laying down on his stomach.  Sirius leans on his hips heavily with one arm to prevent him from turning whilst his other uses his wand to vanish Remus’ clothing, “SIRIUS NO, PLEASE STOP!”  He feels a tingling in his anus as another spell is performed and he starts sobbing.  Suddenly something wet is probing at his hole and he realises Sirius is rimming him, “No, stop!  Sirius please, please st-o-op! Please, please stop it _stop_ ,” he begs brokenly.  Then his hands are tied to the bedhead, “NO!” He screams as Sirius moves the arm pinning him to reach underneath him.  He starts stroking his cock as he continues fucking him with his tongue.  Remus hates himself as he feels himself hardening.

“See Remus, you _do_ want it,” Sirius tells him dreamily as he replaces his tongue with a lubed finger, probing around inside of him almost lazily.

“No no I don’t, I don’t, Sirius please sto-” He can’t help the gasp and buck of his hips as Sirius’ finger presses against _something_ inside of him, “Nugh, no, Pads, P-Pads no, pl-please _stop PLEASE_ STOP!” Remus screams as Sirius continues rubbing against that spot and stroking him. Remus can feel an orgasm approaching and feels disgusted with himself.  He buries his face in his pillow as he sobs, his hips stuttering slightly, “ _Ohhh fuckk_ ,” He can’t stop himself from groaning, spasming all over as he cums.  He breathes heavily for a moment as all movement from Sirius stops and he wonders if it’s all over.  Then the fingers are removed, and when exactly had he gotten three inside him? 

“Wasn’t that good Remus?  Didn’t that make you feel good?” Remus sobs into his pillow again because it did, it did and it shouldn’t have.  He didn’t want it he _didn’t_ dammit how could Sirius _do_ this to him.  Then something blunt and hot is pressing against his hole and Remus involuntarily tenses, “C’mon Remus, let me in, make this easier on yourself.”  It’s then that Remus knows for sure that Sirius is aware he doesn’t want this.  Remus isn’t getting away no matter how much he begs.  He tries to loosen his muscles to avoid pain but can’t stop jerking away as Sirius pushes into him.

Sirius doesn’t wait for him to adjust, just starts pounding as hard as he can, groaning and moaning and yelling Remus’ name in ecstasy.  He hits Remus’ prostate on every thrust and Remus feels sick at the pleasure it causes.

It’s not long before Sirius cums, screaming Remus’ stupid nickname.  He’s never hated hearing the name ‘Moony’ so much in his life.

He stays inside Remus for as long as he can until his flaccid dick slips out.  At that point he sticks his fingers back inside Remus who grunts in pain.

“Gonna keep my cum inside you.  You’re mine Remus, _mine_.” Remus whimpers.

“I don’t want to be yours,” Remus whispers pathetically, Sirius twists his fingers inside Remus who groans, “Please go, Sirius.  You got what you wanted.”  He whimpers again as Sirius begins stroking over his prostate once more, jerking slightly to get away but feels so weakened and tired that he barely has it in him to care.

“But I want to make you feel good again.” Remus starts shaking his head rapidly as he feels tears flowing again.  Sirius turns him over, arms twisted around in their bindings above his head, and stares down at Remus in wonder, “Look at you, covered in your own cum.  Don’t you want to feel that good again?”

“ _No_ Sirius,” Remus pleads, “I just want to go to slee-eep!” Remus squeaks slightly as Sirius lifts his still soft dick and sticks it in his mouth, tonguing around the sensitive head and sucking lightly as his fingers continue their work inside him.  His eyes roll backwards in his head as his hips jerk and stutter, feeling himself grow hard once more.  Remus’ head falls to the side as he squeezes his eyes shut.  He feels Sirius swallow more of him down, his breath is caught in his throat.  He wishes it would stop, he doesn’t want it to feel good, why is his body betraying him like this?  Why is Sirius?  He gives up, giving in, just wanting it to be over.  His hips move of their own accord, thrusting into Sirius’ mouth and bucking back onto his fingers, groaning all the while, and trying to push everything out of his head because there is no stopping this and he just wants to sleep and hide, he wants Sirius gone, he wants this over with.  He tries to imagine it’s a girl doing this, any girl.  Marlene, Mary, Alice, Dorcas, hell, even Narcissa Black, or all of the above, but none of it helps get his mind off the fact that it’s Sirius doing this to him.  He moans as Sirius increases his pace, the pleasure overwhelming his mind again, only to be dampened before he can fall over the edge as the memory of all that has occurred reasserts itself.  He whimpers, wishing desperately to cum already so that this could be over.  But it’s long minutes before that happens and the orgasm is so unsatisfying he wonders if it counts at all.

Sirius licks his stomach and chest clean.  He sucks and laps at his nipples for a while before he finally, _finally_ removes his fingers from within him.

At that point he flips him again and licks his own release out of Remus’ arsehole before he straddles him, rutting against Remus’ arse until he cums again.  Then, at long last, he pulls away.

“ _Fuck_ Moony that was so good, you’re so hot, and perfect.” Remus is trembling, afraid he’ll want to go again.  He curls into a ball as best he can, thankful when Sirius vanishes his bindings and he can truly do so.  He feels Sirius’ hands stroking the globes of his arse gently and shudders in revulsion at the feeling.  Sirius squeezes, fondling his balls again briefly.  He lays beside Remus, curling up around him and latching his mouth onto his neck, sucking hickey after hickey, and occasionally groping him again.  Remus isn’t sure how long it is before he bites at his neck, but Remus is too exhausted to panic about it, only whimpering again.  He’s relieved though, because after that Sirius leaves his bed.

Remus cries himself to sleep.

 

 

Remus doesn’t get up in the morning, he ignores his friends’ calls and eventually they leave him.  He doesn’t know how long it is before the door opens, but he flinches when a hand is placed on his back.

“It’s okay Remus, it’s just me.”  Remus opens an eye, opening the other as he notices it’s only Lily, “I overheard Black and Potter talking about taking the potion last night.”  Remus tries to make himself smaller, “It happened again, didn’t it?”  He’s not sure why she asks.  There’s cum everywhere, marks all over his neck, and rope burn on his wrists.  He’s still naked and imagines his arse must be pretty red as well.  He doesn’t notice he is sobbing again until the hand on his back starts stroking soothingly, he relaxes into the touch, feeling safe that it’s only Lily.

An hour later and Lily has helped him wash himself, has cleaned the bed, and gotten him dressed.  They’re huddled in the back corner of the bed, him leaning into her embrace and shaking slightly when she finally asks.

“Will you let me tell a teacher now?”  He shakes his head, “Rem, he _raped_ you.” Remus flinches at the word.

“Th-The potion–”

“Lowers inhibitions, it doesn’t create desire.”

“All that proves is he really is attracted to me.  Which is odd because I thought he was straight, but not something deserving of whatever trouble he could get in to.” Lily sighs, shaking her head.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.”  Remus buries further into her embrace.

“So do I.”

 

 

Two days later and he knows James, Sirius, Peter, and some guys from Hufflepuff have been smoking pot.  He doesn’t feel nervous though.  He knows it’s only the potion that makes Sirius act like that, and more importantly, weed always makes him sleepy, if a bit clingy and weepy.  He knows it’s a completely different thing.

He’s reading in the common room, as he often is now since he’s been avoiding his friends as much as possible, when the three stooges return.

“MOONY!” James shouts, Remus flinches slightly and tries to keep reading, “Moony, Sirius is upset.”  Peter and James sit Sirius down on the floor in front of Remus and take seats on either side of him.

“I’m trying to read.”

“You don’t like me anymore,” Sirius states weepily, Remus doesn’t look up, “Won’t even look at me, I told you, he hates me.”

“Remus, mate, come on,” James tells him.

“Why don’t we talk about this when none of you are under the influence of illicit substances?”

“You’ve been weird since we took that potion,” Sirius says, crying slightly.  Remus sighs, sure this isn’t meant to be the reaction to weed most people get.  Isn’t it meant to be a _good_ experience?  Sirius puts a hand on his thigh causing Remus to stand in a panic, pushing him off jerkily.

“ _Don’t_ touch me.”  Sirius starts sobbing, but Remus is seeing red.  How dare _he_ be the one crying while Remus acts like he’s okay to protect him?

“Remus please, don’t leave me.”

“Just fuck off Sirius!”

“Hey!  Take it easy Lupin, he’s clearly having a bad trip or something,” Frank Longbottom tells him harshly.

“I don’t really care, it’s his own damned fault.”

“Re-emus,” Sirius sobs out pathetically.

“Don’t.  If you would quit taking shit to hide from your problems instead of fucking dealing with them, none of this would be happening.  What the fuck kind of Gryffindor are you anyway?”

“HEY! That’s enough!” Some seventh-year yells at him, Sirius runs out of the room, James glaring at Remus before going after him.

“He’s obviously not okay and you pick now to yell at him?” Mary asks incredulously and clearly pissed off about it.  Remus looks around and sees everyone watching him with disapproval or outright distaste.  He hurries up to the dorm and shuts himself in his bed.

 

The next morning Remus is getting dressed when Sirius comes to talk to him.

“Hey, Moony, um, about yesterday–”

“Just don’t, Sirius.”

“Mo-”

“And don’t call me that.” Sirius startles slightly.

“Okay… _Remus_ , will you please tell me what’s bothering you?  You’ve been upset since James and I took that potion.  We don’t remember what happened either time but whatever it is-”

“I said don’t, just leave me alone.”  Remus walks down to the common room, but Sirius is right on his heels.

“M-er-Remus, please, just-”

“NO!  WHAT PART OF LEAVE ME ALONE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! I am done Sirius, drunk, sober, high, I don’t care.  Don’t talk to me, don’t come crying to me, I’m done dealing with your problems and your moods and everything else your mind-altering substances do.  It’s bullshit and I don’t care anymore, okay?  So just stop.” Sirius grabs his wrist but Remus yanks it away, stepping back harshly when Sirius moves to grab him again, panic building in his throat when he realises he’s backed himself into a corner.

“Don’t you start yelling at him again you bastard,” A fifth year tells Remus as people crowd around, frightening him more.

“Hey!  Back off!” Lily pushes her way through the crowd, “Are you okay Remus?” She asks, grabbing his face and having him look at her.  He takes a breath, nodding slightly, she frowns, turning back to the crowd, she spots Sirius, “What did you do now?”

“Don’t pin this on him!  It’s Remus that’s been a prat!” Marlene exclaims, Lily glares at her best friend to the shock of everyone.

“Everyone _back off_.”  Everyone takes a few steps away.

“I just wanted to know why he’s been so off since the potion,” Sirius tells her, she looks at him with utter contempt.

“Well that’s none of your damned business, Black.”

“The hell it’s not, he’s my best friend!”

“He’s been trying to get some space for two and a half weeks and you refuse to allow him it.  You knew the first time that something had happened that bothered him yet you take the potion again, and the exact same thing happened!  He’s your best friend?  You don’t care about anything further away than your own damned reflection.” Interestingly, it’s James who speaks next, and not to flirt.

“Same thing happened again?” Everyone looks to him in confusion, “He told you what happened?” Everyone looks back at her, now taking in the fact that Lily is holding his hand as she stands in front of him, protecting him from the angry mob.

“I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“How about the fact that not only is he being a complete prat to one friend, he’s now with, and apparently bitching about them to, his other friend’s lifelong crush,” Dorcas suggests, Lily looks hurt at her friend’s accusation, everyone begins hurling insults at Remus and just generally talking over each other.  Lily pushes aside the sting Dorcas’ words left as she summons a chair and stands on it.

“Right, I’VE OFFICIALLY HAD ENOUGH WITH THIS SHIT!” She screams, everyone falling silent as they stare at her in surprise, had _Lily Evans_ just _sworn_? “Remus and I are not together like that, and even if we were, it’s no one else’s fucking business.  Nor is an issue going on between the Marauders anyone else’s business either.  As for the bloody potion, I am now considering it the single most banned thing to fucking exist.  I hear _one_ thing, _one_ fucking _whisper_ of the stuff being here, let alone anyone _taking_ it, I will be going straight to the Headmaster, turning over names of everyone I know who has used it, and doing everything in my power to have proper legal action taken against the culprits, and the Ravenclaws who made the shit in the first place, and don’t think I don’t know _exactly_ who they are,” She announces angrily.  She looks around, daring someone to say something against it.

“Remus?” Sirius asks, as though the idea of him going along with such tyranny is positively ridiculous.  Remus hesitates for a single moment before giving him a cold look.

“I’ll be right behind her.” Everyone goes silent as they wait for a Marauder to react.

“Fine then,” James states, grabbing Sirius by the elbow and dragging him away, Peter quickly follows.  Lily turns back to Remus, brushing away non-existent dirt from his shoulders and fixing his tie as the crowd starts dissipating.

“Bunch of prats, all of them, every single one of them,” She mutters.

“You didn’t have to do that Lily,” Remus tells her, she looks at him in confusion, “Turn them all against you as well.”

“You’re my friend Remus.  If they are against you, they are against both of us.”  He knows it probably won’t help the rumours bound to come out of this, but he hugs her, seeking comfort she freely gives.

 

 

It’s a surprise to neither of them when the bullying is quick to start.  Remus is harassed everywhere.  At meals the two sit alone, pariahs amongst the students.  In class no one speaks to them, and every correct answer given by Remus or Lily is met with nasty comments.  It’s not long before Remus stops giving them.  Lily’s angry, all the time, but never at Remus.  Remus is sad, all of the time, but never truly regretful of it just being he and Lily now.

The first full moon is hard.  He hadn’t truly thought they would come, but it still hurt that they didn’t.  Well, not _hurt_ , exactly, because he is glad they didn’t.  He doesn’t want to see them or deal with them.  What hurt is that he is alone again, hiding his secret from his only friend.  He’s afraid to go through it all alone, and scared because he knows it will be worse than it has been in years, knows he will be in a lot more pain.

But he wakes up in the morning in the infirmary and Lily is at his bedside, reading a book about Lycanthropy.   When she notices he’s awake, she smiles calmly and lifts up the basket of chocolate she’d brought along.  He scooches over in the bed, she lays down beside him on it, both small enough to fit, and they eat.  After Poppy comes by and gives him some potions Lily has to leave to let him rest.  It’s not until the next time she sees him that she asks the questions about his condition.  He answers them without fear, knowing she’s not going to leave him.

The second full moon is easier.  Everyone notices him getting paler and sicklier again, as they often do, only now they take it as a better time to strike.  Hurtful comments about sickness and his scars raining down around him.  These, at least, the Marauders stop.  He knows they do because Lily heard them do it and people have commented that he gets more than he deserves from them.  But they don’t do it in front of him, and never for anything other than his condition.  Still, he knows Lily will be with him when he wakes up and he isn’t really alone.

 

A week later Remus walks into the common room to grab a book from his room when Peter confronts him.

“Remus!” Remus sighs, keeping his head down and trying to hurry past, “Moony!” The name at the same time as he grabs Remus’ hip to turn him back, and Remus is gone.  He can’t breathe, he drops to the ground in a ball begging no one to touch him.

“Rem, hey, hey Remus, it’s me, it’s Lily,” A voice says, Remus tries to get away, but it keeps talking soothingly and eventually Remus looks up.  He sees Lily and buries himself into her side.  She holds him close, still speaking to him, calming things, things he can hear and hold onto without needing to think about.

“What the hell is happening?” Lily looks up to find James and Sirius standing in the stairwell to the dorm.

“I hope you’re as proud of this as all your other attempts to fuck with people,” She hisses at them, stroking Remus’ hair.

“Ex _cuse_ me?” Sirius asks, annoyed.

“Just leave him alone, all three of you.”

“He’s our friend.  Marauder’s first, including Moony!” Sirius insists, but his voice saying the name has Remus whimpering into Lily again.  In a feat of impressive strength, Lily manages to pick Remus up and carries him up to his dorm.

“Find somewhere else to be for a while,” She demands of the others.  No one stops her.

It’s the first time people question if perhaps something _did_ happen to warrant Remus’ reactions to his friends.  But not enough to really change anyone’s behaviour.  In fact, they mock him for the panic attack too, pretending to be about to touch him only to stop at the last second.

It’s a few days after that that Lily breaks his privacy spells around his bed to find him slicing at his own arm.

This is where her strength runs out.  She’s tried so hard to be there for him, but she doesn’t know how to help when it’s him hurting himself and not everyone else, doesn’t know how to protect him from himself.  Suddenly he’s the one comforting her as she sobs for a change.  The role reversal is enough for him to want to be better.

It shouldn’t have taken long to heal, not with his advanced healing, but he’d anticipated that which is why he’d made the cuts with a knife he’d transfigured to be silver.  She tails him constantly, they transfigure desks into beds and camp out in an abandoned classroom on the fifth floor so that he isn’t alone with his dormmates.  She changes bandages and disinfects cuts so that they aren’t infected, checks daily for any new ones.  Sometimes there are, and he looks away in shame, but she never makes it seem shameful.  She looks so very proud every time there aren’t, and he wants to see that more than anything.

She gets him into the habit of shredding paper when he feels overwhelmed or alone or scared.  They spell one of his pockets to vanish what’s put inside them so that there isn’t a mess of paper bits everywhere.

 

Three and a half months since the first incident, Remus is walking away from a group of people who had been taunting him.  He walks around a corner and finds Sirius Black standing there.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” Sirius says, rushed. Remus shoves the paper he was holding into his pocket to no doubt shred very soon.

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Look, I know you’re upset, but for Merlin’s sake, whatever happened only happened because of the potion, which your delightful girlfriend set on fire. So don’t you think this is all a bit of an overreaction?”

“What does it matter Sirius?  Just leave me alone.  I don’t know how to make it clearer that I don’t want to speak to you, I don’t want to be near you, I don’t want to see you, I don’t want anything to do with you!” Remus tells him, Sirius looks at him in shock.

“I thought you were only saying that because you were angry.  _Are_ angry.” Remus sighs, shaking his head, then moves to walk past.  Unthinkingly, Sirius grabs his wrist as he tries to walk away, “ _Moony_ -” Remus jumps back as though burned and Sirius realises his mistake.

Remus runs.

“Moony!  Remus!” Sirius calls after him, he doesn’t respond.

 

Remus hides away in a cupboard a few floors away.  He grabs paper to tear at from his pocket, or tries to, but there’s none there.  He starts panicking, sure he’d put it in there.  Then he works it out.

He’d put it in the vanishing pocket.

Remus feels the panic building, Lily isn’t here, he doesn’t know where she is, he’s not strong enough to deal with this alone.

He thinks back to all the things everyone has been saying over the last few months, thinks of everything that has happened, thinks of the way he’s dragged Lily down with him.  He realises that life will always be this way for him, as a Werewolf.  He will be hated, feared, and either alone or making someone suffer with him and he just can’t do it anymore.

He can’t do it anymore.

He grabs a broom from beside him and casts the now familiar charm to transfigure something into a knife and then into silver.  He hisses at the pain of the silver handle in his hand as he brings the blade to his arm.  This time when he cuts he makes sure it’s deep.  He makes two on each arm.  One for each Marauder, the group of he always thought he would have.

And then he bleeds.

 

“Miss Evans?” Lily looks up from her book to see McGonagall standing in the doorway to the common room, the look on her face has Lily dropping the book entirely and walking over.

“Professor?”

“You and Mr Lupin have grown quite close, yes?”

“Extremely so, Professor.”  McGonagall nods, looking…scared.

“Then you’d better come with me.”

 

“Professor, please, what’s this abo-” Lily’s eyes fill with tears as she spots Remus on the hospital bed looking so very pale and small, fragile, “Remus?”

“He’s unconscious,” Pomfrey tells her as she walks over to the bed.  She pushes hair out of his face, feeling tears fall down her own.

“Mr Filch found him in a closet.  You do not seem terribly surprised,” McGonagall comments, Lily sits on the seat next to Remus’ bed, very gently taking his hand in hers.

“He’ll make it?”

“Yes, he’ll be fine.” Lily scoffs, shaking her head at Pomfrey’s words.

“That, Madam Pomfrey, I very much doubt,” She says quietly.

McGonagall decides to question her later, so she’s left alone with Remus for a few hours until Pomfrey comes out to tell her it’s almost curfew.  It’s then that Lily feels rage overtake her completely.

 

“GET YOUR ARSES DOWN HERE YOU MARAUDERING BASTARDS!” Lily screams as soon as she enters the common room, the room freezes, looking at her as they hear a door open, footsteps, and the three Marauders appear.  No one ever thought of there being four anymore.

“What do you want Evans?” Sirius asks snippily. 

“WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE LIKE I TOLD YOU TO?!” Sirius sighs, turning to walk back up to his dorm, “DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TURN YOUR BACK ON ME RIGHT NOW!”

“WHY THE FUCK NOT EVANS?  YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO YELL AT ME AGAIN WHEN I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING!”

“HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING?!” She screeches, “LIKE HELL YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING!  YOU ALL DID!  EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF YOU! Ho-How could you do it?  How could any of you?” Lily demands, addressing the entire common room, “He was one of us!  We’re a house, we are meant to be like a second family and you all turned your backs on him without a second glance, without asking why!”

“Evans, no one here is in the mood to deal with either of you and your hissy fits,” Davey tells her, Lily’s eyes turn icy.

“ _Hissy fits_.  REMUS IS IN THE HOSPITAL WING BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD PAY ATTENTION TO THESE ‘HISSY FITS’!”

“Wait…what?” James asks.

“Suddenly you care.”

“Forget that, is Remus okay?” He demands.

“No thanks to you, he’ll live.”

“Whatever happened, don’t go blaming them for it,” Marlene tells her.  Marlene, a few short months ago she was Lily’s best friend.  Lily feels tears spilling over her eyes.

“REMUS TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, I HOPE YOU ARE ALL BLOODY HAPPY WITH YOURSELVES!” Everyone freezes, if not for the sound of Lily crying you could have heard a pin drop, “You didn’t even bother to ask why he was acting how he did, you just turned on him.  All of you,” She tells them, tears flowing freely, then her anger returns, “Filch might not happen across him next time, and if he doesn’t, it will be on every single one of you.  Especially you, Black.  I hope you all manage to live with things, knowing that he couldn’t because of you.  Just leave him the fuck alone.”  With that she turns and leaves, heading to the classroom she and Remus live in.

 

Remus blinks his eyes open, everything seems so bright, he feels raw and wrong, like he’s not meant to be here.  He sees Lily sitting next to his bed.

“Lils?” She looks over to him, obviously crying, “Jeez, who died?” Lily blanches, that’s when it all falls into place, “…oh, right.”  Lily bursts into tears, sobbing, unable to help herself.  Remus shifts to the side in his bed, patting the empty spot for her to join him which she does.  She seems to be trying to speak but he can’t make out a word of it.  He just holds her, as much as he can with the cuts on his arms.

“Mr Lupin?” Remus looks up to see McGonagall and Dumbledore in the room, he looks down, ashamed.  But that only leads to Lily’s tear-stained face and suddenly he’s the one crying.

“I’m sorry,” He sobs out.

“We want to help you Remus,” Dumbledore tells him gently, Remus looks at him, a tormented look on his face that Albus recognises all too well.  He walks over, perching slightly on the side of Remus’ bed, “Please Remus, tell us, what brought this on?”

“It’s my fault.”  Everyone looks over to see half of Gryffindor in the doorway, Sirius being the one who had spoken.  Remus looks petrified at them all being there, Lily gets up and stands in front of Remus.

“Haven’t you all done enough?” Lily spits, nothing but venom in her voice, McGonagall looks at her in shock.

“How so, Mr Black?” Dumbledore asks calmly.

“There was this potion, it went around the school a few months ago.  Evans set it all on fire though after things…got out of hand.”  Sirius takes a breath, “The potion lowers inhibitions, it also blocks the memories of what occurs.  I don’t know exactly what happened, I only took the potion twice, but after the first Remus started acting funny.  It was far worse after the second time.”

“He wasn’t very nice to Sirius when Sirius was really emotional about something, we all thought he was being a dick so we started being dicks to him,” Frank adds.

“Lily was the only one who stood up for him,” James admits.

“We ran both of them out of the tower, I don’t know where they went but they haven’t even been sleeping in their dorms,” Marlene explains.  The two Professors seem shocked.

“That’s not entirely true,” Lily announces, still standing between the Gryffindors and Remus, he is quite content to hide behind her, clutching her hand tightly, “I looked into that potion.  I might not have a great opinion of you Black, but I really wanted to believe it would take more than lowered inhibitions for what happened to occur.  I was right, the potion didn’t do that.  It messed with your conscience.  Lowers your ability to tell right from wrong, to those particularly susceptible to it, they lose the ability all together.  I think that’s what happened with you, why no one else in the school did anything so…unforgivable.” Sirius looks ill, “It was your fault for taking the damned potion, especially when you knew something had happened last time that had made Remus uncomfortable.  But after that…look I blame you for something happening at all, but the specific event that occurred, you couldn’t control you.  You couldn’t see that it was wrong.” Lily scowls at them all, “Everything that happened after that is on everyone’s heads.”

“We know.  We didn’t come here to make excuses,” Marlene promises, “we came to own up and to apologise.”

“I’m afraid we do need to ask.  Mr Lupin, what is it that Mr Black did?” McGonagall questions, Remus curls in on himself.  Lily walks over, he mumbles something to her, she sighs, “Miss Evans?”

“He doesn’t want to get Sirius into trouble.”

“Don’t protect me Remus, I don’t deserve it.  Whatever it is, tell them.” Remus flinches slightly, tears still falling down his face.  He presses down on the bandages covering his arms, Lily grabs his hands before he gets any funny ideas.

“You wanted to have sex,” Remus admits quietly, “I didn’t.” He curls up more on the bed, “I didn’t want to, so you made me.” Everyone but Remus looks to Sirius.  His face drains of all colour, there’s silence for a moment before Sirius doubles over and vomits.  James kneels beside him, holding the hair out of his face and vanishing the sick.

“No,” Sirius whispers, tears falling down his face as he dry heaves.

“Like I said.  It would never have just been lowered inhibitions.”

“Oh, I thank you so much for your faith in me not just casually being a _rapist_ ,” Sirius snaps.

“Don’t you _dare_ snap at me!” Lily tells him, Sirius takes a breath, moving to be sitting down.  He nods.

“I’m sorry.  I just…I mean potion or no how could I…?  I don’t…”  Sirius covers his face with his hands.

“Oh fuck…” Peter suddenly says after a few beats of silence, James raises an eyebrow at him, “Remus’ panic attack in the common room…his thing about people touching him.”  Sirius retches again.

“And we all mocked him for it,” A seventh year says regretfully.

“You mocked a boy about a panic attack?” McGonagall asks, her voice deadly.

“And about being sick so often,” Dorcas admits.

“We very emphatically put a stop to that one,” James says immediately.

“When he says emphatically, he means he punched me in the face and said I dare try that again and it’ll be me spending all the time in the hospital wing,” Some fifth year adds, James does not look sheepish.

“Regardless of all of this, Remus, Lily’s right.  We were your best friends and instead of trying to find out what was going on, we got angry and let everyone be completely horrible to you, let them drive you out of your home, and didn’t lift a finger when Lily was the only one on your side.  I can’t ever apologise enough, and I can’t ever make that right.  But I want you to know that I know what we did was wrong, all of it.  It won’t ever happen again, not to anyone.  And I am sorry,” James tells him, though none can see his face because Lily is still standing in front.  Remus tries to pull his hands from Lily’s, but she holds firm and he gives up, curling further in on himself.

“Can everyone leave?” He asks quietly.

“I think that is a good idea,” Pomfrey announces as she exits her office.

“I do hope everyone here has learnt their lesson,” McGonagall tells them all, looking thoroughly horrified, “Black, I want to see you in my office.”

“I took the potion both times too, Professor.  If he’s in trouble, I should be as well,” James tells her.

“You didn’t rape someone,” McGonagall replies bluntly, Sirius flinches, looking green again but luckily does not throw up.

“It’s the potion that did it!” Peter complains.

“Is a wand the thing that kills people or the person who wields it?”

“And if the wand has a curse on it that you did not know about that disables the wielders conscience?  Whose fault is it then?” James challenges.

“She’s right guys, just leave it,” Sirius tells them.

“No, I’m not letting your self-hatred get you in trouble when the most you should be getting punished for is taking the potion to begin with!”

“And everything that came after.”

“Um…shouldn’t Remus’ parents be here, because of the whole, you know…suicide attempt?” Dorcas asks timidly when silence falls over the room, Remus snorts.

“Here to comfort me?” he asks in a voice none have ever heard from him, cold, distant, mocking, “Please, they’d be cheering me on.  Even they know I’m better off that way,” He says, adding the last part quietly, but the room is otherwise silent and everyone hears it.

“That’s not true!”  Remus looks up, sitting forward so that they can all see his deadened expression for the first time.

“One week ago you told me I’m a freak who is bringing Lily nothing but pain,” Remus tells her, “Yesterday Benjy and Cormac had me backed against a wall as they attempted to set off a panic attack to mock me for it again, a month ago Chelsea told me to do everyone a favour and jump off the astronomy tower.  You all want me gone, I try to deal with the problem, it’s not what you want.  Nothing I do will ever be right for you, why should I listen to you when you tell me to stay?  You don’t care about me, that much is more than obvious, you’re all just too cowardly to live with my death on your hands.  Save yourselves the trouble, I’m not your problem.  Just go back to having your fun and let me go,” Remus requests before turning back to his bed.

“We _do_ care about you Remus!” Frank tells him, Remus gets out of the bed, stalking over.

“You didn’t yesterday, yesterday when I was told repeatedly that those three were too good for me, that they still stick up for me when people mock my condition and they deserve better than me.  Yesterday when I was still keeping my mouth shut to protect _him_ ,” Remus says, pointing to Sirius, “You didn’t care as people touched me, reminding me of a time when I couldn’t get away, when I was helpless, when it was proven to me how _weak_ I am compared to everyone else, when you threw that all on my _face!_   No, you care when it suits you.  You don’t get to say that shit to me, you don’t get to play the hero now that you know the truth.  You don’t deserve a chance here, you don’t deserve my forgiveness, you don’t even deserve a conversation.  I never did anything to any of you, all I have ever been is loyal and look where that got me!” Remus flings his arms out, gesturing to the hospital around him, but all it does is bring people’s attention to his bandaged arms where blood is seeping through from him accidentally re-opening the wounds, “What more do you want from me Frank?  You took my home, my life, every friend I thought I had, and left Lily to deal with me when I could barely walk down a crowded corridor without freezing up in a panic.  I have nothing left for you to take except my leave and you won’t let me!”

“No!  That’s right!  We won’t!” Remus turns as Sirius stands, looking far less ill than he had a minute ago, “I ruined everything Remus, and Lily’s right, what happened is unforgivable.  You have suffered for my actions, I won’t let you die because of them too.” Remus looks surprised, as though he hadn’t thought of it like that before.

“I don’t want to be here anymore, Padfoot,” Remus whispers, broken and pleading.  Sirius steps forward, slowly, hesitantly.

“I know Remus.  Rem do you remember after I ran away from home?  That first summer at the Potters and you found me sobbing in my bedroom?” Remus nods, tears flowing freely down his face, Sirius takes another step forward, “I couldn’t see anything but the hatred my family has for me, couldn’t see anything but their wish for me to be gone.  Do you remember what you said to me?” Remus nods again, “You said that ‘I know you can’t love yourself right now, but everything will be okay.’ You said, ‘I love you enough for both of us, and you’re just going to have to lean on me until you can see how brilliant you are again too.’  Please Remus, it’s my turn to save you.  I know I’ve done nothing to show you I can be relied on, but I will be here for you to lean on.  I love you enough for both of us, and I swear I will do everything I can to help you feel that too.  Just please, you’ve got to hold on until then,” Sirius tells him.  Remus feels his entire body trembling, fingers of his right hand digging into the cuts on his left arm.  He doesn’t step away as Sirius gets closer, doesn’t even flinch as Sirius gently takes his right hand and guides it to his chest, “I’m alive thanks to you in so many ways,” He says as Remus focuses on his heartbeat, calming the breathing he hadn’t noticed had grown erratic, “Let me help you stay alive as well.”  Remus gives a small, near imperceptible nod.  Sirius steps forward, wrapping him in a hug that Remus collapses into, sobbing loudly.

“M’sorry,” Remus sobs, Sirius strokes his hair, holding onto him tightly but being sure to loosen his arms if it feels like Remus is trying to pull away so that he knows he isn’t trapped there.

“Don’t be Rem, none of this is your fault, you have nothing to be sorry for.  Just stay with us,” Sirius replies gently.

“Why don’t we give them some privacy?” Marlene suggests, everyone clears out except Lily, Peter, James, and McGonagall who remain to keep an eye on the pair.

 

“What do we do now?” James asks after Remus is asleep in the hospital bed, Lily laying beside him, Sirius on a chair on the other side of the bed holding his hand.  Sirius leans forward, resting his chin on their conjoined hands.  He doesn’t look away from Remus’ face as he answers James.

“Now, we learn how to save a life."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Presumably, Remus slowly improved. Probably not easily, no doubt there were some hiccups, his trust has been severely broken and he’s got a lot of issues to work through. But he’s got a real support network now and I imagine Fleamont and Euphemia Potter will be there when he needs them as well. This was my take on how Lily was there for Remus and why the Marauders weren’t in the time he briefly tells Harry about. A pretty dark take on it, but a take none the less. But this is the turning point for James and Sirius pulling their heads out of their arses in regard to a lot of things, and it’s how Lily came to see more of James as well, through watching him care for Remus during his recovery. 
> 
> One day, after he believes Sirius betrayed them all, perhaps Remus will wonder if Sirius ever even truly got his conscience back…


End file.
